Tuesday, December 29, 2009

friendships... ruptures.. memory... healing memories

I have heard a lot of people talk about finding it hard to "move on" after a rupture in a relationship. I have experienced it also. It is but natural to feel some pain of letting-go of someone or something we have gotten used to, a person we have learned to love, nay, someone we have become addicted to or cared for. No relationship is ever so bad that it has no merits, no encounter of two souls goes without spraying its perfume. When we call an end to it, its flavor lingers in that region of the heart that we call memory: we can't just drop it automatically, it is like someone trying to quit smoking or let go of drugs. We know where it hurts, but we are afraid to let it go, sometimes because of habit. We don't easily admit that things could be different from what we thought them to be. This means something... and this makes me ponder.

A relationship, a genuine relationship could only exist between two mature persons.

I don't mean camaderie, or the getting together that is the link between people sharing likes or same interests. I am talking about an attitude of mind that doesn't go with age... something that determines trust. When I say, "I love you" it means I trust that you can bear the weight of my misery which I am not afraid to unveil before you. That is trust. Trust demands on its return, joyful acceptance and understanding. These are lacking always where there is insecurity, an unsteady sense of inner freedom, the fear of selfish hearts... Brave hearts are trusting. They are not afraid to open up like the sunflower under the touch of the sun. They are always ready to risk and by risking they provoke beauty to shine in others.

"I have been wasted. I am wasting. That guy is an asshole.That girl is ... I don't know what!" That is the kind of language we hear after break-ups. It is not a language reflecting that maturity that maintains a good relationship. That a relationship doesn't work could be for a great number of reasons. But how do I move on when that perfume haunts my memory.  have to consider the following points:

1. It was a risk. It had its price. I accept it. Although it turned out wrong, it was worth the try. I do not heal by giving the blame on anyone. The past is just a gray shadow fading away. I should watch it fade with patient acceptance.

2. Gratitude. We always grow, we always learn, we always touch something that enriches us in a serious relationship. The other with whom I enter into a relationship is always unique, as I always like to say, in his/her fears and in his/her beauty. That is something we receive as a gift, even if flawed, short-lived and imperfect. Gratitude means recognizing that the other did try to love, but failed. He/she might have succeeded, how do I know if I failed, anyway? The truth is, I always carry something of past relationships which, if well incorporated into my life, becomes gift for future relationships. Only pessimists and selfish people are blind here.

3. The awareness that "I am not perfect" should always lead us to a deeper search for understanding and the quest for inner freedom. I might have loved the other so much, but I might also have loved in the wrong way. That might have been hurting. I could never tell, only he/she knows it. Rupture could be time for me to enter into the calm of myself and mature... it could be a call that I am meant for someone else, for something higher than this relationship.

4. Few people admit their faults. When a relationship is in crisis, the fault is often with the other, and do you know why? Because we, humans, are the most selfish creatures in the universe. Give a human being a morsel of bread and he asks for a cocktail treat. I am exaggerating, but the truth is, we care about the pain we feel, but we ignore, definitely, how deep the pain maybe for the other person.

5. Sometimes it is good to hurt. There is no growth without its pain.. No birth without shrieks.  If you care about getting hurt, you will never love properly. If you care about hurting someone, you will definitely wallow in mediocrity. Learning to say "NO" is always hurting everything that says "YES". But saying no when you know that this no is the only realization of your freedom is the noblest deed you could ever offer yourself and a sign of maturity. How many stupid things we do out of fear of hurting others just to find out that we are miserable in the end?  Friendship is not slavery. Anything that makes you insecure and unhappy should be sorted out.

6. A relationship is different from an obsession which, at least to me, is an ailment. Relationship means an exchange, not of certain things, but of the most essential things we hold: liberty, time, and a certain vision that makes us move on together. Where these values are lacking, I think, it is always better, earlier than later...

My last thought of the day: every relationship is an adventure. It opens to surprises. Every relationship is a gift, but mind you, every gift is a cross. When you receive it, gird yourself to shoulder its weight.


Kewong said...

How then can we build trust in a person that ignorantly distrust us. that is one who has a false impresion of who we are, one that his permism of us is at the tail of dispair.


Trust builds on openness and dialogue. That is why we have to constantly foster a spirit of openness and dialogue. A false impression may be due to two reasons. We may let a person take a false impression of us away with him/her by telling lies, by living in duplicity. In this case, it is definitely our responsibility to right thing through honesty... the second may be due to this sickness if putting people into a cliche, the obstinate idea the other may be fostering of us. For instance, "men are all liars", or "women have the propensity for cheating on men" Such biases can only be checked by a person's openness of mind... That is definitely a tragedy in most relationships.

We need always to believe in the growth of the other, to believe that, though his/her path may be unknown to us and difficult for him/her to bear, he/she is always in the process of growth. That demands of us understanding and patience. But where there is falsehood and duplicity it becomes difficult!!!

Rhy said...

very well said...

welcome to the WORLD OF HAVEN VALLEY

I am not a cut different from the ordinary human who walks the street. But in my journey, I strive to understand the music that surges from the wide worlds within every individual, that which makes him/her that fragile and sacred at the same time. I have found myself sometimes looking at someone farting with thumps-up as though goading him on to sanity. Seemingly meaningless things have been things that have communicated sense to me especially during louring hours. That is what this journal is. I offer these thoughts to the world with wonted pleasure and gratitude to all that awakens the human in me.

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