Monday, December 28, 2009

fears, lies, insecurities and hurts...

You didn't know it. It went so fast. Somewhere in your heart, you were afraid. You thought he meant all he told you. Of course, he meant it, the way he wanted you to understand it. He was afraid, afraid that you may touch the soft spot in his life... He was afraid that you may know his fear. Maybe he was afraid for you, for your fragility. His fear might also have been an echo of his hurts, of the inner wounds he has suffered, of those he might be hurting, of the broken promises or words not earnestly meant... and in your heart, you have known this all along.

Each of us carry our fear within us. It could be paralyzing sometimes. Yes, because we have been manipulated for long, and we manipulate also, very much. It is not uncommon then to find relationships where there is no lie. Fear is always there when there is a lie. The fear that we may be discovered. The fear also that we might be losing the only one thing that means a lot to us. What we have built for a long time, what we have invested time and energy in, like learning to love someone then realizing that we were in love with a "shadow" of a man...

Lies will always accompany us. The lie we live with might be so subtle we can't make it out. The human being wants to look better before others. We care about impressions, about what others think of us. We want to reveal the good and the best in us. This makes us live a certain form of duplicity... But then, duplicity keeps us prisoners of our own devices. This is most painful because sometimes we even love to be lied to. We love to be flattered. "Yes, I love you." We hear people say. "I truly do love you." And that leaves a great feeling in the heart. Even though we know, by instinct that it isn't true. What is it then that liberates from this?

We can always come out victors, in any situation. Our hurts would be less hurtful if only we look frankly at them. If only we accept them with equanimity. It is a thing to be fooled, but it is a victory to discover you have been lied to. It is understandable enough to be duped, but it is stubborn foolishness to will to remain in a lie. It happens that we tell lies, but we mature when we admit and recognize how much we have used others. Once betrayed, a great person recognizes his/her own betrayals.

I have learned a lot  but not from books, but from my encounter with others, I have learned greater things from being hurt and bleeding. I have been lied to a hundred times and more. I have lied also. But I have learned, well before I ever thought of it... living with lies gives us the worst feeling of insecurity. I will love to be loved for who I am, than for you to love what is not true and human in me. If you love me, don't lie to me. If you want me to love you, don't put an overcoat over what you really are.

I want to know your wounds. They open me to the humanness of your heart. Let me touch your wounds, they are the only path I can travel through to your heart. Let me know this vulnerable fragility of your heart so I may give you my shoulder. Let me know you are one like me, so I may love you in all weather. What I don't like is the angel in you. What keeps me is the weak, whimpering, fragile, heartbroken child in you. Will you let me?

1 comment:

Chesca said...

Ironic, but every word you used here strike me straight to the heart=)

welcome to the WORLD OF HAVEN VALLEY

I am not a cut different from the ordinary human who walks the street. But in my journey, I strive to understand the music that surges from the wide worlds within every individual, that which makes him/her that fragile and sacred at the same time. I have found myself sometimes looking at someone farting with thumps-up as though goading him on to sanity. Seemingly meaningless things have been things that have communicated sense to me especially during louring hours. That is what this journal is. I offer these thoughts to the world with wonted pleasure and gratitude to all that awakens the human in me.

Search This Blog